Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
