How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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