Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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