Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
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My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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