All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices