tell your sister to shave her snatch
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Randomize
