i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
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Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
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What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"