I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
