Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
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Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
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Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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