Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
as a side note pls kill me
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
