I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
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