I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
