this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
