shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
