i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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