anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
we should paint friendship bongs
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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