do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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