Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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