I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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