I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
