If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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