It's Friday. Sex?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
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