I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
