I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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