Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I show you my penis last night?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize