I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
