i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
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just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
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Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on