At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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