A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
