Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
