I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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