I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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