Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
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He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
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Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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