Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
