She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
he thought i was a dude.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
