There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
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My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
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I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.