I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
