dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm at about main and main street
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
