It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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