i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
