Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
