Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
