I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
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my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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