A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
