Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
