who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
