Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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