I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
