god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
