I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
